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Kristen's Keys to Happiness Blog new! Press release click here to read a free chapter August 28, 2010 Happiness is having no regrets "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." Victoria Holt What a wonderful way to look at life! British author Victoria Holt, whose birth name was Eleanor Hibbert, gave us excellent advice when she made this statement. Living with regrets undermines your ability to move forward. You are stuck in a past that prevents you from enjoying the 'now' part of your life. We are human and all make mistakes at various points in our lives. The most successful people acknowledge any mis-steps they may have made, come to terms with their own humanity, and move forward. Put regrets in the past where they belong and live your life from today forward. August 23, 2010 “Remember that happiness is a way of travel -- not a destination” Enjoy the journey! August 15, 2010 Don't fall victim to the 'Goldilocks Syndrome' We sometimes fall victim to what I call the "Goldilocks Syndrome." Everything in our lives must be "just right" in order for us to be happy. Of course everything is never "just right." Life isn't like that. Ask any woman who has ever been the center of attention in a public setting; a work presentation or ceremony for example. Even if everyone assures her she was fantastic, she will be the one who notices the minute mistake she made or something she forgot to do or say. Nothing is ever "just right." Life is imperfect. August 7, 2010 Happiness is...focusing on the first steps in the direction of your dreams and goals Every day, take a positive step in the direction of your dreams If it’s your house, buy something small for it If it’s your health, make a better choice just for today If it’s love you want, take a first step to meet new people If it’s money you must have,begin to learn something new that will bring money to you You have to have the INTENT to have what you really want to have in your life! Begin to focus on what you want and your dream begins to grow in the real world. A little focus leads to more focus. More focus grows to fire. Fire leads to intense focus Intense focus leads to YOU to... living your dream. July 24, 2010 Happiness is... creating a blueprint for your life The best architects create meticulous plans for the magnificent structures that are built. See yourself as the architect of your own life. Your dreams are the blank page where you will draw the strong structures that will support your goals. Have a purpose of vision. Who do you want to be? What makes you feel fulfilled? How and where do you want your life to take place? Plan, create, and build a life worthy of your dreams. July 16, 2010 Happiness is... having one good friend “Life without friendship is like the sky without sun.” --Anonymous All creatures on earth are sociable. Even the proverbial lone wolf seeks the companionship of it’s own kind ninety-nine percent of the time. Loneliness fosters unhappiness. We all need to share our lives with select others. Friendship is a gift. Open yourself up to new acquaintances and friendships. Good friends are worth more than gold. Statistics have shown that people who socialize live longer, and are healthier and happier than those who have no company but their own. People who have jobs that require very little social interaction during the work day, report more job dissatisfaction than workers who socially connect at work. Their work is usually not up to par as those who are not alone. Loneliness can lead to despair and depression making your life truly a life without sunshine. Friendship performs many functions for us. It helps to alleviate sadness, helps us cope with problems and make us feel not so alone in our world. It is a healing relationship. You don’t have to be a social butterfly with “fifty BFFs;” one good friend is all it takes to feel a part of the human community. A good friend is truly like the sun shining for you. Nourishing Thought: Let sunshine fill your life. Make at least one good friend. July 10, 2010 Happiness is... Practicing SELF-ness “I have a great sense of self.” The speaker at the podium ended her speech by making that comment. The speech she delivered had been about what makes a good survivor. Why do some people fold under stress while others make it through intact? This woman made it clear that she had first-hand experience. Survivors take personal charge of their lives and love themselves enough to make necessary changes. She had been through hell, personally and professionally. An emotionally abusive marriage and a job which included the administrator from hell, her life was nothing more existing in two war zones. On sick leave with severe digestive problems caused by all the stress, she took serious stock of her life and decided she was worthy of living better, happier, and healthier. Changes had to be made and she began the task of starting to live the way she wanted. She left both the marriage and the job and, little by little, she created the life she knew she deserved to have. Re-inventing herself she found hidden talents, one of which led her to form her own business. How was she able to do this? She practiced “SELF-ness.” Though you will not find the word SELF-Ness in any dictionary, it can be defined as not only loving yourself, but liking yourself enough to care about your own life. It is nourishment for your well-being. It is a love that only you can give to yourself. Caring for your well-being (including your health) and making time for your goals are not selfish acts. SELF-Ness is not only a loving act but a practical one as well. Too many times we nourish others, putting their needs and wants above our own. We forget to nourish our “self.” Without this nourishment your body and your mind can become infected with the “disease of benign neglect.” You are not deliberately hurting yourself; you are just neglecting to fully love yourself. That love includes placing your dreams and goals at the forefront of your life. Nourishing Thought: SELF-Ness is crucial to your emotional and physical health. It is necessary to lead a happy and healthy life. Begin practicing SELF-ness today. July 1, 2010 Happiness is...Celebrating your accomplishments, no matter how small! There is always a special time of the year when people stop and take stock of where they are and what they have done in their lives and relationships. Since I am a July baby, the perfect time for me is the July 4th weekend. I think of what I have accomplished and what I need to do further to make life happy and healthy. This is an excellent time for anyone to do the same. For some reason summer is a great time for reflection. The weather is beautiful for sitting outdoors or going for a "thinking walk" where you assess your life. Begin by - • Putting away the negatives. Should have done..., could have done..., wished I had done... are not productive. Allow yourself to think about them for only 15 minutes. If you feel there were things you wanted to do and didn't, make a determination to do them in the near future. • Concentrating on the positives. There have been positives in your life since last summer. Make a list, mental or written of what you've done that enhanced your life. • Being kind to yourself and others. Do something nice for yourself and your partner. A simple reward makes you both feel special. You're not being selfish, you're seeing yourself as a person of worth in a worthy relationship. • Appreciating life. Look around you and focus on the beauty of life. Find one small thing that gives you pleasure. • Doing something fun. How much fun have you had since last summer? Fun balances the seriousness of life. Make it a point to do something that is simply fun this summer. • Celebrating you! When the fireworks go off this 4th of July, make it a point to see them as a celebration of your own life as an independent person who has a lot of living to do. See your dreams in the brilliant fireworks and appreciate yourself for not only who you are this July but who you have the potential to become by next summer. Happy July! June 25, 2010 from "And Then I'll Be Happy!" Chapter 4: The Key to Becoming Your Own Person, p. 63 Happiness isn't... ... always being the good little girl. Make your life priority number one. Remember that by always being the responsible one, the peacemaker, the good little girl, you are making life good for everyone...but you!" June 20, 2010 Happiness Key: Live in the 'now'! “I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now.” – Edna, The Incredibles. Don't stress over the past. The past can leave scars but it doesn't have to dictate how you live your life. Make a determined effort to live, and love, in the moment. Don't let the past distract you from enjoying your present and making plans for the future. June 8, 2010 Happiness Key: Make Sure You’re Okay First…….. “Attention passengers, attention all passengers-In case of emergency, fasten your oxygen mask securely in place over your nose and mouth before assisting others.” Sound familiar? This is the most sensible statement ever made. How can you take care of anyone else if you’re not okay? Being tired, hungry, or overworked helps no one, least of all you.. Apply this statement to daily living and see what a difference it makes. Our society subconsciously dictates that we should take care of everyone else before we even think to take care of ourselves. While helping others is a beautiful and noble endeavor, it should never be done at the expense of your own well-being. Great philanthropists don’t stop enjoying their own lives. They live it well. Successful people make taking care of themselves a priority yet they still perform great charitable acts. By putting themselves first, they are in a position to do much more for others. Here’s an analogy. If you needed help who would better serve your needs; a person who is tired, overwhelmed and doesn't taken care of herself or the person who cares for herself, is mentally alert and in good physical health? Obviously you would choose the latter, no question. That person exudes success and confidence in all ways. Nourishing Thought: Be a successful person. Take care of your needs first and you will be better able to help others. Live your life well. May 29, 2010 Happiness Key: Carve out some “me” time and have fun! In both the series and the movies of “Sex and the City” the character of Samantha is very caring toward her friends and is there in a New York minute when any one of them needs her. Yet she makes sure to take care of herself as well. Her comfort zone is in good shape and so she is never too drained to help a friend. You must nurture and care for yourself otherwise you are no good to anyone. Make sure to have a healthy life. Eat well, get your sleep, get some type of exercise and ........... Make sure to have fun! A good friend of mine who writes the Instyle column for the newsmagazine where we both work, finagled tickets to fashion week in NYC and invited me along. It was exciting and glamorous. Knowing I had a tremendous amount of stress in my life, she told me to, “Just be an airhead for a day. Forget deadlines and work, forget about problems. Today let's be a couple of ditzy blondes interested only in clothes, make-up and jewelry. We can look even if we can’t touch!” It was some of the best “me” time I had! Nourishing Thought: It's okay to have fun! May 22, 2010 Happiness Key: “You are not what you were born, but what you have it in yourself to become.” That saying reflects the way I live my life. If I had followed what some “well-meaning” person told me I should do with my life I would have been in a profession I hated and the “real me” would have been buried. I would not have done what I wanted and needed to do. I would not have become me. Who do you want to be? This isn’t just a question that guidance counselors ask high school students in senior year. This is a question you should ask yourself. In the case of a man named Archibald Leach born in abject poverty, the answer was that he wanted a much better life, a life of abundance and happiness. He found it when he became Cary Grant. He had a purpose of vision. Simply defined, purpose of vision is what you want and how you want to live. Doing something just because others have done so before you or because you have been told that is what you should do is not in your best self-interest. Decide exactly what you want to do with your life. Nourishing Thought: The creative work that goes into becoming ‘you’ is a gift to the world and to every being you meet. May 15, 2010 Happiness Key: Clean Out the Closet of Your Life and Buy What Fits! “The best advice I ever got about clothes was from my best friend. She told me to forget the size on the tag and buy what actually fits me.” ~~~~overheard in a dressing room at Bloomingdale’s This advice applies to everything, not just clothes. Whatever makes you feel comfortable is what fits. Friends, spouses, jobs; choose what is right for you. Your life choices should reflect your own desires. If you do something only to please someone else, it will never be a perfect fit for you. Don’t become a doctor if you really want to be a teacher; don’t live in Minneapolis if you love Florida heat. Whatever fits you makes your life happy. The same goes for relationships. The man or woman you seek to spend your life with should be a “good fit.” This isn’t to say that you can’t be individuals, but one person should complement the other and never force you to be uncomfortable. Find what fits you best and make small changes if something doesn’t. Clean out the closet of life and dispose of anything that makes you unhappy or no longer fits your idea of being happy. Forget the size and go for the fit. Nourishing Thought: Life is too short to wear the wrong size. Make sure you’re comfortable in your world. Please yourself. May 7, 2010 Happiness Key: "Time, Time, Time!" “No time to say hello, good-bye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!” ~~~~White Rabbit in Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland” This is the story of two women, equally successful in their field, but completely different in outlook and self-love. I worked with both of them. One woman used to run her day by the clock. She had a schedule that she said allowed her to get everything done, thereby making sure she got nothing done that she really wanted to do. She sacrificed all her time and energy to “tasks.” Enjoyment for her would come “when I have time.” She still hasn’t found the time. The other woman worked hard but had one unbreakable rule during her workday. She was unavailable for anything during the hour she took for her lunch. She actually referred to it as “my hour.” Those sixty minutes were hers and hers alone to do with as she pleased. She would go for walks in the park, look at nature, and listen to classical music. Whatever she did during that hour’s time she did for herself. That hour was for her. She once said that those hours were magical in helping her see the beauty that was all around her. It brought her a clarity of what was important to her and she came back from that hour refreshed. She’s still enjoying “my hour” today. We all have had periods in our lives when we rush through the days going from one thing to another, never stopping to take a breath before we move onto something else. Living like that is unavoidable at times, but to live that way every single day of our adult lives is life wasting and short-sighted. In the great scheme of things we are really given a short period of time to spend as we see fit. Even if we live to be one hundred, if we don’t make time for small pleasures, we have wasted this precious gift. Yes, chores and life tasks take up a lot of our twenty-four hours, but taking time for yourself to see the simplest beauty around you refreshes and renews your spirit. Nourishing Thought: Give yourself at least one “magical hour” a day to truly see the beauty that surrounds and refreshes your soul. May 1, 2010 Happiness Key: On This Journey Called Life, Stop and Look Around “Like I said, life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, it’ll pass you by.” ~~~~Ferris Bueller How often have we been in a car, a plane, or a train and wished that our journey were over? Get to that destination, hurry up, can’t rest until I get there! That’s a too common way of thinking for many of us. During a five hour flight to Las Vegas a few years ago, I had ample time to observe my fellow passengers. One woman across from me, who had never been there before, made the entire trip magical for me. She talked with her fellow passengers about “Vegas,” walked about the cabin, looked at the clouds, laughed and joked with my husband and me and generally enjoyed the trip. Approaching Las Vegas we flew over Lake Mead . Below us, we saw the blue lake and the white boats that were gently bobbing on it. It was a breathtaking sight for her. By contrast the woman seated in front of us kept up a non-stop litany of complaints. The trip was too long, she couldn’t be happy until she arrived, she was bored, and on and on. For her, the journey was only a means to an end. She enjoyed nothing along the way. I wondered how happy she was actually going to be when she finally did land, having all this negative emotion inside! Life does move pretty fast and you do have to stop and look to see the wonders around you. The journey called life does have a destination, but before you reach it don’t you think you should have fun? How you choose to view this journey called life is entirely up to you. Will there be days of frustration? Certainly. Will everything go smoothly in our lives? Certainly not. But during the journey there are bound to be wondrous things happening around us. Doesn’t it pay to look around and have pleasant times that will become pleasant memories? Absolutely. Don’t be like the complaining woman on the plane. She began her trip with anger and frustration and ended it the same way. Her memories of the journey will be unhappy and that will be all she has to remember of her flight. Instead see the beauty and wonder that is just there waiting for you to see and appreciate. Nourishing Thought: Life is a journey. Make sure you have a first class seat to enjoy it all. April 23, 2010 Happiness Key: The Myth of Self-Sacrifice “I have come here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life....It had to be said. The world is perishing from an orgy of self-sacrificing.” ~~~~Ayn Rand, author Society is based on a system of beliefs and most of those beliefs come from religions. One of the most disturbing of those beliefs has come down to us from the time of the Puritans. The belief is that suffering will buy us something. In the case of the Puritans, people were made to believe that unless they suffered they could not gain entrance to heaven. Suffering supposedly bought them that admittance. The vestiges of self-sacrifice and suffering for others is still with us today. The person who sacrifices self is seen as a noble human being while anyone who puts self first is seen as selfish. Even in the 21st century this antiquated way of thinking influences us in our lives. But that way of thinking is wrong. Suffering only buys one thing: more suffering. There’s nothing noble or wonderful in leading a life of misery. Despite numerous ideas to the contrary, you are not put on earth to lead a life of suffering. Your life should be a reflection of inner harmony that allows you, through your abundance and love of self, to give something back to the world without taking anything away from yourself. When we sacrifice self we give away a beautiful gift that we were given at birth. Our lives are unique and precious. Helping others, doing charitable works is not enhanced by our own suffering. Who are you really helping if you are suffering? Not yourself and certainly not anyone else. Every minute of your life is precious. Self-imposed suffering and sacrifice dulls and tarnishes the gift you’ve been given. Nourishing Thought: Do not sacrifice your life; you are all you have. *The above is an abridged excerpt of "Nourishing Thoughts: The Wise Little Book of Self" by Kristen Houghton Available Spring 2011 April 14, 2010 Happiness Key: Be Kind to Yourself The image you see in the mirror every day is you. You can’t walk one step without taking “you” with you. Isn’t it a good idea to enjoy being with yourself? Consider yourself your own best friend. Remember that you care about the person in the mirror and want the best for that person. That’s what best friends do! There is positive and there is negative criticism. Negative criticism is destructive; it destroys. If you want to make improvements in your appearance or in your life, do so, but do it kindly. Positive criticism is constructive; it builds on the good aspects you already have. Look objectively at yourself and find something in this image to like. Then look again and find something to love. Let your image reflect a happy well-loved person. Nourishing Thought: Treat yourself like the precious, unique creation you are. Be your own best friend March 28, 2010 Happiness Key: Have at least one good friend “Life without friendship is like the sky without sun.” ~~~~Anonymous All creatures on earth are sociable. Even the proverbial lone wolf seeks the companionship of it’s own kind ninety-nine percent of the time. Loneliness fosters unhappiness. We all need to share our lives with select others. Friendship is a gift. Open yourself up to new acquaintances and friendships. Good friends are worth more than gold. Statistics have shown that people who socialize live longer, and are healthier and happier than those who have no company but their own. People who have jobs that require very little social interaction during the work day, report more job dissatisfaction than workers who socially connect at work. Their work is usually not up to par as those who are not alone. Loneliness can lead to despair and depression making your life truly a life without sunshine. Friendship performs many functions for us. It helps to alleviate sadness, helps us cope with problems and make us feel not so alone in our world. It is a healing relationship. You don’t have to be a social butterfly with “fifty BFFs;” one or two good friends is all it takes to feel a part of the human community. A good friend is truly like the sun shining for you. Nourishing Thought: Let sunshine fill your life. Make at least one good friend. March 20, 2010 Happiness Key: Set flexible deadlines for goals Deadlines are a part of life for many of us. In a strange way, no matter how much we may complain about meeting them, deadlines are actually good for us. One of the best ways to create your own happiness is to set 'happiness deadlines'. This doesn't mean that you are determined to be happy by a specific date and if that doesn't happen, you have failed to accomplish your goal. Not at all. Happiness deadlines simply need a bit more flexibility. A good example is my own story. Whenever my book editor gave me a deadline for my book , And Then I'll Be Happy! I would negotiate for an additional week. Now I knew, and my editor Mary Norris knew, that the extra week was a failsafe, a 'just-in-case' type of deal. I always met my deadlines on the original date but just knowing that I had that 'just-in-case' extra week took the pressure off of me. The flexibility of seven extra days meant a great deal to me. If you want to accomplish a personal happiness goal, start creating flexible deadlines. If, for example, you are interested in changing careers, begin to do your research. Allow yourself time to find the best way to accomplish this by telling yourself that within three months you will have enough information to make an informed decision. Then set another deadline to see what positions are available in that career. It may not take you the entire three months to accomplish your goal but you have given yourself leeway 'just-in-case'. See a personal deadline as a reminder for choices in your life. Take the pressure off and be flexible. March 13, 2010 Happiness Key: Hatred and Happiness cannot co-exist “You lose a lot of time, hating people." ~~~~Marian Anderson, American-born contralto How do we feel after an emotional moment? If the emotion is positive, like love and joy, we feel exhilarated and uplifted. But negative emotions, such as hate, can drain our very life-force. Hatred uses a lot of energy and turns the hater into a victim of his or her own emotion. It is a self defeating action which uses up too much of life. When we hate we are giving away something that is precious; our thoughts and our time. Who are we giving this precious, personal gift to? The very person we say we hate! It’s like rewarding someone for having hurt us! It is hard to let go of hurt and it is only human to experience the strong emotion of hate. You feel that if you forgive someone you are saying that what they did to hurt you is acceptable and of course, it isn’t. The only person you have to forgive is yourself for allowing hatred to take over your life. Put this strong, debilitating emotion away and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Understand that hate is ugly and ugliness has no place in your life. Love yourself enough to get rid of hate. This life is yours, don’t give it away one second longer. March 9, 2010 Happiness Key: Make your life wonderful and wonder-filled "What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~~~Colette Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette was a French novelist, whose career spanned from her early 20s to her mid-70s. To say her life was wonderful and wonder-filled is an understatement. Controversial, often scandalous, interesting, and never boring, her life was lived on her own terms and those terms including living well. Yet even this famous novelist admitted that she did not realize how grand and enchanting her life was until her later years. In her late 50's, crippled with arthritis and unable to be as active as she once was, she thought back over her life and realized how wonderful her own life and her success had been. But when a visiting friend said that Colette had indeed been very fortunate, the writer stopped her with these words. "Fortunate is not the word, planning is the one to use. I planned to make my life filled with wonder and I did. I just hadn't realized that I had succeeded until now!" March 3, 2010 Happiness Key: You can't be happy in a toxic relationship Is your relationship poisoning your happiness? Maybe you are part of a toxic couple. Cate was a woman who knew what she wanted to have in her life but who had no energy to pursue her goals. She was part of a toxic relationship which exhausted her. Yet she stayed in an unhappy, poisonous marriage because it was all she knew and the unhappiness consumed all aspects of her life. It is interesting to note that the word for ‘married’ in Danish is the same as the word for ‘poison’. While we may laugh at the absurdity of the one word having two such different meanings, the reality of any relationship, married or not being poisonous can be all too true. Ask yourself these five crucial questions- Do you wake up every day feeling stressed, sick, miserable, and dread being with your partner? Are you allowing yourself to postpone your own career or goals? If, after having spent time together, do you end up feeling drained, having sleepless nights and feelings of despair? Is the way you feel affecting your job performance, school, or other relationships in your life? Are you abusing drugs or alcohol to “help you cope?” And the most important question of all- Is this relationship keeping you from living the way you want to live? If you answered yes to the questions then you are in a toxic relationship. Forget about being happy, that's the least of your problems. Toxic relationships cause physical as well as emotional trauma. Your body is under siege from the constant stress. Psychiatrists say it as the same as being a soldier in a war zone with no relief in sight. Very few toxic relationships ever get better; the majority only get worse. You need to step back and look at what is happening to you, then decide what is really important for you to live a healthy, happy life. Being with someone just to be part of a couple is a disservice to you. That's like saying you are going to settle for a less than healthy relationship because you don't want to be alone! Your choice, and it is yours alone, has to be to end the toxic relationship and slowly build a solid life for yourself. The truth is that you cannot be happy in a poisonous partnership. Any chance you may have to create the life you want is stifled and your goals are either postponed to a distant future or completely abandoned because all your energy is being given to your negative relationship. February 27, 2010 Happiness Key: Stop sabotaging your own happiness Recently a very good friend was terminated from a position she really enjoyed. She worked very hard at this position and the reason for the termination was nothing more than a personality conflict with her immediate supervisor who, by the accounts of many co- workers, was a difficult person. She is having a hard time getting over not having a job which she truly loved and at which she excelled. I understand her problem all too well. A similar experience happened to me quite a while ago. I learned a lot from that experience not only about the vagaries of the world and the unaccountable whims of others but about myself as well. I learned that the word 'terminated' did not terminate me from life; I wasn't dead, no matter how ominous the word may have sounded. Terminated from a position, incensed and upset for a few months, but very much alive. Eventually I had to chalk it up to a learning experience and here's what I learned. I learned to stop knocking on a closed door until my knuckles were bloody. That door, despite my best efforts, was locked and permanently closed from the other side and no amount of knocking was ever going to make it open again. I learned to step back and assess what I wanted to do. I certainly wasn't going to do nothing but feel sorry for myself no matter how tempting that seemed at the time. Knowing I had a goal and a dream was an advantage to my self-esteem. I learned not to give power over my life to the very person who had let me go. I decided that I was the only one who should have that power. Understanding this had a tremendous impact on my ability to move on. I learned to know my worth and appreciate my intelligence. Making too many compromises in my efforts to be liked at my former job, I was in danger of becoming someone I didn't like. I vowed to at least be true to my own ideals in the future. I learned to acknowledge that I too had made mistakes. That was hard because we really don't want to admit that maybe even a small part of what has gone wrong is somehow our own fault. I came to see that the job had been a great experience of learning for me. It was a good and solid education in journalism so it was definitely not a total loss. I learned that the job really was only a stepping stone for me. Being truthful with myself, I always knew that I had no intention of staying there for an entire career. Eventually I was going to leave for a better position. And finally I learned that by not allowing myself to let go and walk away from that closed door, I was sabotaging any chances I had to go on to something bigger and better. February 25, 2010 Happiness Key: Money and happiness Greed is a word that has a bad connotation. We think of greed as being a terrible thing; religions even tell us that greed is a sin. A greedy person conjures up images of someone who hoards money and precious resources. But did you that there is something called “healthy greed” and that living this way can actually enable you to help others? Healthy greed defines a way of living that is comfortable. You are not greedy in the sense that you want to have everything in life while others live in poverty with nothing. Not at all. In fact people who live a life of healthy greed are some of the world’s biggest philanthropists, giving large donations to many charities. Living well is not wrong. Taking care of your family and yourself first actually makes good, practical sense. If you are well and healthy, with sufficient funds, you are in a much better position to help others. I am reminded of a piece of advice an economics teacher, Cate Yorke, once gave to her class. She said there are things you need in life and those things are not many. Shelter, food, water, and clothing are the bare necessities. “But,” she continued, “There are things that make your life better, more comfortable, and healthier. Those things are ‘wants;’ a comfortable home, nutritional food, clean water, quality clothes, and medical care. Add to that a car that is in excellent condition, the ability to provide well for your family, and you have a life that is good and solid. The ‘wants’ are more practical and economically sound than the necessities because you are in a better position to give back to society. Your good lifestyle actually will help to benefit others through your charitable works.” Bill and Melinda Gates live quite well but they also are very mindful of using a portion of their wealth to help humanity. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have an enviable lifestyle but, they too, use their money to make others’ lives easier and better. There are lists of people who help make the world a better place through charitable giving while still making their own lives the number one priority. One of the greatest philanthropists of modern times was Brooke Astor. Her own personal fortune was unlimited and her oft-repeated famous saying concerning wealth was, ‘“Money is like manure, it should be spread around!”’ And spread it she did, improving daily life for countless people. She also enriched all lives by her generous endowments to the arts and humanities. The idea of healthy greed may seem a conflict of words but it isn’t. Living a well-cared life gives you a responsibility to help others. Make your own life as rich as possible in all ways. Then take a tip from Brooke Astor and spread the wealth around. February 18, 2010 Happiness Key: Happy at work number one tip A good friend of mine was starting a new job and asked me what one crucial tip I could give him to ensure a happy worry-free work environment. I told him the one crucial tip I would give him had two parts: First, be careful what you say; second, be careful to whom you say it. That advice makes for a happier work place. Nothing impacts your happiness quotient adversely than being in a job environment where you are miserable for over 8 hours a day five days a week. The daily ins and outs of a position that may not exactly be your dream job are difficult enough; being in a hostile environment can make it 100 times worse. Gossip in all work places is something that you can’t entirely avoid. You will hear all kinds of things said about the people who work there, some true, some not. Making a personal decision not to repeat what you hear not only makes you a nicer person it can make your job a more pleasant place to be. Being seen as someone who is isn’t part of the gossip mill has its own rewards. The same advice is true if a co-worker wants to vent about a boss and wants you to agree. If someone in anger makes cutting remarks about their supervisor, your best bet is to say nothing. As much as you may agree that the person is an idiot with an ego the size of Cleveland never say so. You never know if your words will reach the ears of the wrong someone who may mention what you said to Cleveland-ego. Your work life will become unpleasant to say the least. No matter how much you may want to join in during a 'dissing' session about a co-worker or boss, don't. Remember that words cannot be taken back. Once they're out there they are remembered and have a way of coming back to haunt you at the most inopportune times. What you are doing by being careful of what you say and to whom is a self-preservation mechanism that will make your life an easier and happier one. Think about what harm you might be doing to your career or even a temporary position that you need. On your road to personal happiness it pays big dividends to make the path as smooth as possible and avoid creating unnecessary potholes. February 14, 2010 Valentine Day Happiness Key: Love yourself It is an unfortunate fact that too many of us are taught as children that self-love is akin to being selfish. It is not. Loving, nurturing, and nourishing yourself is practicing a healthy and practical habit. It isn't selfish at all; it enhances you as a person. In fact, independent studies show that loving yourself and making your life your number one priority actually does make you more attuned to others and their needs. Society—and sometimes even your own friends and family members—says you are arrogant and selfish if you want to be anything beyond 'the norm.' Strive to become happier or richer or more successful than average and it becomes a "Who do you think you are?" scenario. You need to stop asking "Why do I deserve something better?" and ask these questions instead: "Why don't I deserve the best? Why shouldn't I be happy, healthy and fulfilled? Why shouldn't I have the career of my dreams?" If you take the time to reach your own goals, live your passionate dreams, and enrich your own life, you become the person who then is able to enrich the lives of those around you. The best philanthropists are the ones who loved themselves enough to live life on their terms, nourish themselves, and who were then able to share their gifts with others. Let Valentine Day 2010 be the start of a nourishing self-love that will enhance your life. February 9, 2010 Happiness Key: Making lifestyle choices Do you remember the 'choice-questions' you and your adolescent friends liked to pose to each other? Questions such as, "If two people you loved were drowning and you could only save one, who would it be?" Easy for me - I'd drown trying to save them both! Or the one that asks, "If given a choice would you'd rather be blind or deaf?" Most people would want to keep all their senses if possible. The important thing about those questions was they made you think about the possibility of choices. We all make choices every day of our lives, some good for us, some not so good. We make them because we have to do so. Despite the influences of others, there's no outside magic in choosing. The magic lies within each one of us to choose wisely and in a way that will take into serious consideration what is best for us. As adults we need to ask ourselves mature 'choice-questions' such as: What exactly do I want; what is my goal? What will allow me to have a happier life? Am I able to pursue what I want and make others aware of my goal? And the most important 'choice-question' of all: Am I willing to invest the time and effort it will take to make the positive changes that will enhance my life? These questions are not the impossible ones of our childhood. It is possible to make healthy choices that will make your happiness a reality and not a dream. Be fearless, make choices that will enhance and enrich your life now and in the future. February 4, 2010 Happiness Key: Older, wiser, more vocal, and in charge The criteria for what we want in our lives changes as we get 'older and wiser.' Or maybe we become wiser as we get older because we are more willing, and more vocal, in stating our preferences and letting our wants be known. The second act of life is a second chance to meet that criteria. Women who have read my book “AND THEN I’LL BE HAPPY! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First” email me with comments that are eye-opening, real, and very refreshing. Some are funny, others practical; a few recount silent frustration in their lives. All are true, from deep inside, and spoken by women who are finally putting their own needs and wants first. I am privileged to talk to women wherever I go; at book signings, after “And Then I’ll Be Happy!” seminars, and even on vacations. The talk always seems to center on one major theme: what they really want in their lives and how their wants have changed over the years. I know this very well as I have made major changes myself. I'm the queen of reinvention! Wanting to make life changes is certainly nothing new. In that respect I don't think we are all that different from our mothers and grandmothers and their dreams. We are however, more able and willing to go after what we want and to achieve our goals simply because we have more opportunity. We create it or we are prepared for it. Life after 'a certain age' can certainly be the second and better half; the half when many women finally learn to put their own lives first. February 1, 2010 Happiness Key: The New and Improved You in 2010! Successful executives are forever making changes to their products. Some work well, others need a tweak or two, and still others have to be discarded almost immediately. Look at all the changes Coca-Cola went through! Becoming 'new and improved' is an ongoing process with constant reinvention. Regroup, reconsider, changes plans, and start anew. It is the same with making life changes. You need to be the CEO of your own life and like any good executive you will edit and revise as you go along. If something doesn't work, decide what you need to do in order to get better results; this is your life and your business. Making changes, the right changes, takes time but it is time well spent if it achieves your goal. Don't be influenced by anyone's schedule but your own. Michelangelo knew all about time well spent to achieve a goal when he was creating one of the greatest masterpieces of all time. He set his sights on what he wanted to do, decided what was needed, made changes as he went along, and followed his own time table. When an emissary of the pope asked him why he was taking so long to finish the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo simply replied, "My work is a work in progress; it follows no time but it's own." And look at how well the Sistine Chapel turned out! Take all the time you need to create the 'new and improved' you. Set your own schedule. January 26, 2010 Happiness Key: How much is your time worth? 'Pay' yourself first In "And Then I'll Be Happy!" I ask readers to determine their worth in terms of money. Many women have a hard time answering that question. The reason is that as women we very often don't see our time as a money factor. Instead we see it as expendable to a certain degree. We give a lot of it away. Learning to understand that your time is a precious commodity and that certain limits must be put on how much of it you give away helps you come to know how much you are worth. You have created an account with deposits and withdrawals which you need for a happy life. If you constantly deplete your time 'account' by giving it away, you will have nothing left over for yourself. Become a wealth manager of your own account and like any good money manager, pay yourself first. You will soon find that you are worth a great deal more than you knew. Treat your time as money and don't allow your account to become overdrawn. January 23, 2010 Happiness Key: Living a successful personal life Successful living has nothing to do with you being a celebrity, a well-known person, or the CEO of a corporation. People do not fall at your feet and you don't need a bodyguard to protect you from your fans. It does, however, have everything to do with you!Welcome to a site where you can learn to have a happy, healthy, and successful life! The first thing you have to do is define the word *success* as it relates to you personally. Don't use anyone else's definition of what you should be or have in order to be considered a success. Like beauty, success is a personal perception. No two ideas of success are alike. Dee is a Broadway gypsy; she is a dancer and actor who goes where the shows are. She may sign a contract for a two year gig in the long-running musical "Chicago" and then audition for a revival of "West Side Story" when her contract is up. Or she may "go on the road" with a touring company of "Chicago." The money she makes, while affording her a very comfortable living, is nowhere comparable to being an A-list actor in movies but.........because she is doing what she wants to do, she considers herself a success. Laura on the other hand is in a well-known soap opera. On the serial she plays a popular character, has a tremendously loyal fan base, and lives quite well. She loves being an actor but she doesn't feel successful because she laments the fact that she isn't in movies where "the real money is." You see? Perception is everything in seeing your life as a success! The successful person is not necessarily the person who makes the most money or the person who is at the pinnacle of a career. Being happy, comfortable, and enjoying what you do makes you a success whether you are a dog-walker or the owner of your own business. What makes you feel good about your life is what makes it a success! January 18, 2010 Happiness Key: Be prepared for roadblocks and make alternate plans Do you always include a 'plan B' when you are making plans to reach your goals? You should. Plan B's are simply alternate routes in case the original road to your goals needs to take an unexpected detour. The most savvy life navigators, fully expecting to use a straight route to get to where they need to go, make alternate plans for any detour they may encounter. It's the smart thing to do. Remember when you hit a roadblock you don't need to (and you absolutely shouldn't!) abandon your original plans, you may only need to revise them a bit. Make a plan A as well as a plan B. January 13, 2010 Happiness Key: Make healthy concern work for you Being concerned is healthy; only a fool is concerned about nothing. Concern can be described as healthy fear. Fear is an emotion that has two distinct and opposite sides to it. The good side, the healthy side, is the one that can motivate you. It is usually the part of fear which makes you plan to avoid problems later on - you get your teeth cleaned to avoid periodontal disease; you buy car insurance 'just in case.' That's healthy fear. You're prepared. The other side of fear is the one which paralyzes you. It stops you in your tracks and makes you react emotionally, not logically and in your best interests. You literally fear living. Some people become paralyzed by fear and don't live as fully as they should. They put off doing what they want to do because they're afraid and so they miss out on creating the life they truly want to live. Plan the life you want. Be concerned enough to be prepared and don't allow fear to destroy your happiness. January 10, 2010 Happiness Key: Get rid of 'victim'mentality...now! You were born happy but programmed to be unhappy. Sometimes when you are hitting one roadblock after another on your path to achieving personal goals and happiness you begin to pay too much attention to that programmed inner voice that says, "I 'll never get what I want! Why bother trying?" The worst thing about that voice is that it seems to have a ring of authority to it. It has a commanding note that completely drowns out the voice that is more confident about achieving your goals. Why does it seem to be so much easier to listen to that annoying strident voice that sings a song of failure than to pay attention to the confident one that is telling you that, roadblocks or not, you will get to where you're going and achieve what you want? The reason is simple: Listening to that defeatist voice is easier because it takes less energy to sustain negativity. You simply give in and don't have to try anymore. Even though it is far better for your happiness, being positive about reaching goals does take effort, an effort some people discard as being too difficult. Chapter 10 of "And Then I'll Be Happy!" introduces you to Cate who allowed her inner negative voice to completely stop her from trying to realize her personal goal of becoming a photographer and Alexa, who gave up trying to fulfill her own dreams because of a few past failures. The negative voice wore a groove into their minds and hearts until they had a victim mentality. Unhappy but unwilling to do anything about it, they lived their lives in silent frustration. The voice of confidence was effectively silenced for both women until each one learned, in different ways, that trying and failing isn't the worst thing that can happen on your quest for happiness or the achievement of your goals. The worst is never knowing what success you could have had if you had kept on trying. The idea of never knowing if you will have succeeded is infinitely worse than failing a few times. Failure simply means that you may have to edit and refine what you are doing. Step back, consider your own potential, and reassess how to overcome the roadblocks. Silence that negative voice now. *The above is an abridged excerpt of "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!" by Kristen Houghton published by GPP Life an imprint of Globe Pequot Press © 2009 copyright all rights reserved. January 7, 2010 Happiness Key: Never let any one person be in charge of your happiness* Do you believe that someone else can provide happiness for you? If you do, you’re not alone. Too many women go into relationships believing that the men they love will automatically be able to make them happy. As 21st century modern as we are, we still tend to believe in "happily-ever-after" with Prince Charming. Believing this fairy tale is one of the most emotionally costly mistakes you can make. No one can make you happy and you should not assign that job to anyone but you. The ability to be happy falls squarely on your shoulders. Depending on someone else for your own joy will leave you constantly disappointed and frustrated. Chapter 1 of "And Then I'll Be Happy!" tells the stories of two women, Debora and Sara, who spent a great deal of time and effort waiting and hoping for the men in their lives to 'make' them happy. They sacrifice too many years waiting for this miracle to happen and of course it never does. Their stories are for every woman who has ever believed that someone else could provide her happiness and failed to see that only she had the power to make herself happy. Debora was an economics analyst and an accomplished amateur painter. She was well liked by her colleagues, had a nice townhouse, a circle of friends, and was financially, in a good place. As for her artwork, some of her watercolors which had won awards in small art exhibits, hung on the wall of her office. Life could have been very sweet. But Debora was not happy. Her unhappiness sprang from an unsatisfying, unhappy relationship with Rob. She constantly said that, "when Rob makes a commitment, then I'll be happy." He didn't, she wasn't. Sara, a respected educator, made a mistake by marrying Brian, a person who she already knew was selfish and moody. She chose to close her eyes to what was right there in front of her! Unfortunately Sara bought into the belief of “wedded bliss” and the myth that marriage will change an unpleasant, selfish person into a sweet-natured, loving spouse that will bring happiness into the marriage. She could only be happy when he changed. But a snarling pit bull will never become Lassie. Debora and Sara both were on a fool’s errand. The only people who changed, and not in a positive way, were they themselves. They became sad, depressed, angry women trying over and over again to fix a bad situation only to get the same failing results. Put yourself in charge of your own happiness and you will never be disappointed. *The above is an abridged excerpt of "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!" by Kristen Houghton published by GPP Life an imprint of Globe Pequot Press © 2009 copyright all rights reserved. January 4, 2010 Happiness Key: Too old to make changes? Not true As 2010 begins many of us think of making some life changes. I'm not talking about resolutions, the kind that don't generally last the month of January. I'm speaking about fairly major decisions that will have positive effects on our lives. I am of the belief that, no matter what your age, if you have the drive and the determination to make a change, you should definitely go for it. But not everyone feels this way. Five years ago I worked with a woman I'll call Donna, who oozed negativity. Being in her presence for more than a few minutes had an effect that was unpleasant. If you lost weight, Donna would point out that most people gain it back in a year, if you bought a house, she would tell you about the dire financial problems of being a homeowner. She had a discouraging comment about everything. A chance comment from a co-worker about her pretty much summed up Donna's attitude towards life in general, "She can take a beautiful sunny day and fill it with angry rain clouds. " It was true. Her negative attitude could put a damper on even the best day. This was brought home to me one beautiful Spring morning during the last year I worked with Donna. During a coffee break, three colleagues and I were talking about various future plans we were making. We all had ideas and goals that required major changes in our lives. One woman was going to start her own business in a year or two and was making financial plans towards her goal, another colleague was mulling over a decision to take a year's sabbatical and go to art school to launch a new career in graphic design. I was leaving in a few months time for a position at a new magazine. Our attitudes were positive and happy. Donna had been sitting there taking in all our chatter when she suddenly said, "Listen ladies, at our age we shouldn't even think about making changes. What is, is. If we were younger, then maybe, but it's too late for us now." We were thrown off guard. Too old? Us? We certainly didn't thinks so. The women in the group were ages 41 to 56. Donna herself was 45. Her comment poses several important questions about making changes and age. When is it ever too old to make positive life changes or to pursue a goal? Is it ever too late to change direction in life or to change careers? What age determines when we should stop living? Ceasing to make changes makes your life stagnate and you aren't really living, you simply exist. Donna's attitude towards life is unhealthy. For whatever reason, she sees only the negative aspects of life and feels that there is no alternative to 'what is.' But she is wrong; there are always alternatives and you should seek them out. 'What is' can become 'what if' which in turn becomes 'what a great chance I've given myself by making a change!' Call it reinvention or changing course, positive change will enhance your life. By doing nothing you allow your life to stand still. Change, whether career or personal, offers a fresh outlook on life and a new way of living. You're doing yourself a great service by making healthy changes as you go along. As January 2010 begins, allow yourself the luxury of deciding where you want to go this year and what positive changes will best suit your life. Age has less than nothing to do with living the life you want. New Year's Eve, 2010 Happiness Key: Practice healthy selfishness in 2010 "Since a concern with one's own interests is a character trait that enables one to achieve and guard one's own well-being, it follows that selfishness is a virtue. One must manifest a serious concern for one's own interests if one is to lead a healthy, purposeful, fulfilling life." ~~~~Ayn Rand These words from Ayn Rand allow us to see the word selfish in a new light. Being selfish can be seen as healthy. Living a healthy, successful, fulfilling life, the pursuit of goals, and attaining personal happiness can never be wrong. Taking care of yourself and your needs in no way makes you a person who disregards others; quite the opposite. Whenever you focus on what is most important for your happiness, whenever you put your own self first and accomplish what it is that you want, you make yourself much more available to help others when they need it. Being concerned for your own well-being and making your life happy is a healthy selfishness and a good self-love. Begin to practice healthy selfishness in 2010! Happiness Key: What your risk taking level? "Take risks, you will never get anywhere in life if you don't." ~~~~anonymous We take risks every day. Some are calculated ones, where both pros and cons are carefully weighed before taking a gamble. Some are spur-of-the-moment; you go with your gut feeling that all will be well. Still others are deliberately taken, caution to the winds, to give you a chance to catch the brass ring before it slips away. The realization about taking risks is clear - without taking them you will get nowhere that you really want to go in life. Be a risk-taker and make a positive change in your life. December 27, 2009 Happiness Key: A new life, a new you There is something about the birth of a baby that transcends all religious and spiritual beliefs. A birth represents a new life, a new beginning. The promise and potential for happiness and fulfillment in that life is great. Tonight, make a commitment to yourself that you will see the promise and potential that you have for living a new, fulfilling, and happy life. Then make the decision that you will use all the possibilities and talents you possess to create it. You are the only one who can design the life you want. A new life, a new beginning, a new you! Christmas Eve, 2009 Happiness Key: Celebrate you this holiday season As 2009 comes to a close so many of us think about what we haven't done, (or worse, what we've done wrong) in our lives during the past year. We see only the negative aspect of our lives. That negativity becomes easy to sustain and you fall into a way of thinking about yourself that can only hinder your chances for happiness. But if you seriously think about what you've accomplished in 12 months, you would have something to celebrate about your personal life. A woman I know doesn't see herself as having accomplished much in 2009, yet she accomplished a great deal. Through hard work, she has kept her business open and shown a modest profit. Having her own business was her dream for happiness; being able to keep it going in the midst of a severe recession is an accomplishment and reason for celebration. What have you done this year that has started you on a path to personal happiness and living your life successfully? What have you started that puts your happiness and goals first? Think about the positive aspects of your year. Even one change that you made or are in the process of making is a cause for celebration. Celebrate you! December 22, 2009 Happiness Key: Don't be afraid to try - Blow your own horn loudly! "Don't die with your music still in you." ~~~~Wayne Dyer What music is in you? What talents are you hiding? Unless you let the world know about you, your beautiful gifts remain hidden from sight. Don't be afraid to try and succeed at what you love. You deserve to be noticed for your talents. Do not allow anyone, including yourself, to stop you from blowing your own horn. It is not vanity; you know when you've got talent. Get the word out there! A Mozart can remain unknown unless someone hears his music, the best chef in the world is not the best unless someone tastes her cooking, and the most beautiful flower in the world may be growing in a desert oasis but no one will ever know of it unless it's beauty is made known. The same is true of your talents. In chapter 10 of And Then I'll Be Happy! , the stories of Cate and Alexa are perfect examples of women who hid their talents because they were afraid to try for a dream. The 'music' within them would have never been known if they hadn't taken steps to make it heard. Consider the personal cost of wasting your talent and potential. Don't ever be afraid of making your own music heard. December 20, 2009 Happiness Key: Be absolutely fearless in attaining your goal "Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." ~~~~Bill Cosby When you know what you want, when you have settled on the life you desire to live, you have to make a decision: you must want it more than you are afraid of it. There are times that we want something so badly but are afraid of actually getting it or reaching our goal. This is a fear of trying to make a change or trying and failing. What you need to know is that everyone is afraid to try and fail. Don't let fear paralyze you and stop you from doing what you want to do. Living successfully is putting aside the fear of failing and making every effort to achieve a goal. December 18, 2009 Happiness Key: You were not born to be unhappy... “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?...And if not now, when?” ~~~~ Talmud After reading my book a good friend and colleague of mine, Ben Kamin, emailed the quote from the Talmud to me. He said that my book is like a little Talmud for women in stressing that we put our own lives to the forefront. Though we are of different beliefs, we are both spiritual beings who help others through our writings and seminars. Both of us espouse one positive idea; no one was born to be unhappy. Unhappiness is a learned experience. The words of the Talmud speaks volumes to all people of all beliefs. "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" If you do not seek to make your own happiness, no one will do it for you. It is telling you to live your life on your own terms, to be there for yourself. "And if not now, when?” The message is clear. If you do not create happiness now, then when? Don't postpone your happiness. If you do you are sabotaging the very essence of your life. The ancient wisdom is very modern in truth. December 15, 2009 Happiness Key: Preparation + opportunity = luck "Luck is where being prepared and opportunity collide." ~~~~Chapter 10 of 'And Then I'll Be Happy!' by Kristen Houghton Why do some people seem to get lucky breaks? We all know someone who 'seems lucky,' what's their secret? Is it just a matter of sitting back and waiting for fortune to come knocking or do you have to do something more to invite it in? Believe me when I tell you that so-called lucky people are definitely doing something more than just existing and waiting for their lucky break! Lucky people do something that too many others don't - they prepare for opportunity. They don't just sit and wait and hope; they actively pursue a goal and look for every opportunity to achieve it. Often people who are less accomplished like to see the success and fortune of others as just pure luck. They themselves, they will tell you, simply have had no luck at all. One woman told me that she'd been waiting for her lucky break for so long, she was positive it was never coming. When I asked her what she was doing to prepare for it, she look mystified. "Prepare?!" she said, "You can't prepare for luck! It just comes. Some people are just lucky!" In reality the people who are 'just lucky' in life are relentlessly persistent in their ambitious pursuits. The knowledge that they have to be ready for the right opportunity is part of their plans. They don’t react to opportunity, they’re prepared for it and are fully able to take advantage when the right one presents itself. These are the same types of people who refuse to let life just happen. They want to be in charge of their lives and being prepared for opportunity's knock on the door is one way they do it. Keep preparing and looking for the right opportunity for what you want in your own life. You'll be surprised at the 'lucky break ' you will get when opportunity and being prepared collide for you! December 13, 2009 Happiness Key: Let go of past negative experiences Unhappy memories only let us know where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we go. December 11, 2009 Happiness Key: Create a life-script Do you have a script written especially for your very own life? You should and the author should be no one else but you! Many people go through life aimlessly without a lifescript. They get lost in everyday life. Their jobs or professions are just something they “do for now” always meaning to “do something else” at some future date. Their relationships are lackluster but they do nothing to make positive changes. No positive action is taken to create a better, happier life. A lifescript has only one special protagonist – you. Your ideas, your goals, your plans on how to get to your goals, are all in the written word.As the author you have the power to make a life that suits the major needs of your character. Like all good writers you will edit and make revisions until the script is just the way you want it to be. Be in charge - Make a decision to create your own lifescript today. December 9, 2009 Happiness Key: Change the words 'I want' to 'I will' There is an ocean of difference between the words 'want' and 'will.' Making the change from 'I want' to 'I will' empowers you. You begin to think differently about a plan or a goal. You see the positive and discard the negative. You feel in charge of your life! Saying I will is making a commitment to yourself to live life on your own terms. December 7, 2009 Happiness Key: Be impractical, follow your own counsel and take risks Sometimes friends and family seem to try to discourage any dream you have that seems to them to be 'impractical.' But they are coming to you with their own fears and thoughts; they are not you. Here's the truth - what may seem to be impractical or risky to them may not be to you! Too often we listen to others and let them, reluctantly so, dissuade us from doing what we really want to do. We allow ourselves to listen to the negative. What you need to remember is that not taking a risk limits you from achieving a happy life, the life that you truly want. Never allow anyone to decide what is practical or impractical for you. Be the CEO of your life and make your own executive decisions. December 4, 2009 Happiness Key: You are only a victim of your own procrastination "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice." ~~~~W.J. Bryan Do you feel defeated and think that no matter what you do life will 'just happen?' That is a victim mentality. What you are destined for takes work. It is easy to get lost in the everyday flow of life and sometimes it is more comfortable to do so. But your destiny is a mixture of thoughts and dreams and putting them into positive action. You, and only you, are your own catalyst for change. Make the choice to be destined for a happy successful life. December 3, 2009 Happiness Key: Take a breath and a break During the hectic days of the holiday season make sure to take a breath and a break. Do absolutely nothing for ten minutes. If you say you'll try, that only means you won't. Be good to you. December 2, 2009 Happiness Key: Buy yourself something beautiful A very good friend of mine has beautiful jewelry. One piece in particular is a ring with an aquamarine stone. Many people admire it. Of course it is assumed it was given to her as a gift. The truth is that she 'gifted' herself with this lovely ring as she has with her other jewelry. "The year I reached my fortieth birthday I bought it to celebrate my life. It meant a great deal to me that I was the one who paid for it because it made me feel as if I was more than capable of taking care of myself. To me, this ring is a symbol of my independence and that is another gift, an intangible priceless one. On holidays I love to shop for the people in my life but I always reserve one day when I go shopping just for me. That's only fair." December 1, 2009 Happiness Key: Find your sense of self, your purpose to keep going "If you’re going through hell......... keep going!" ~~~~Winston Churchill The speaker at the podium ended her speech by making the comment by Winston Churchill. The speech she delivered had been about what makes a good survivor. Why do some people fold under stress while others make it through intact? This woman made it clear that she had first hand experience of pain and unhappiness. She had been through hell, personally and professionally. An abusive marriage and a teaching position which included the administrator from hell, her life had been nothing more than existing in two war zones. On sick leave with severe digestive problems caused by all the stress, she took serious stock of her life and decided she was worthy of living better, happier, and healthier. Changes had to be made and she began the task of starting to live the way she wanted. She refused to stop and live in hell; she kept going until she was able to find her way out .Although it was difficult to do, she left both the marriage and the job and, little by little, she created the life she knew she deserved to have. Re-inventing herself she found hidden talents, one of which was public-speaking, which led her to form her own business. She found the strength she needed deep within her own sense of self, a sense that she alone could make a positive life change. Stressful situations beyond your control can become a personal hell. You feel defeated. Take stock of your life and find out what you need to make the necessary adjustments to get through your personal hell. Then do it. Only you can make the effort that will enable the change. Keep going and find your way to happiness. November 30, 2009 Happiness Key: Make a plan for a happy and successful life. Hey, what are you doing now? Classic Facebook, Twitter, and all other social networking pages always ask a variation of the question, 'What are you doing?' along with a space for updates on your life at the moment. It's fun and interesting to both write what you're doing and to read what others are up to as well. I love the social networking sites for keeping up with friends and family. But the true question of what do you plan to do with your life is a crucial one for many of us. A true key to happiness is making plans. Oh sure, we all make plans but they don't work if you lock them away in the back of your mind. It is in keeping them in the forefront of our everyday lives and sticking to them that determines our happiness. You need to establish a time line for your goals and dreams and to make changes and rearrange your set schedule if necessary. Establish a bit of 'wiggle room' for life's unexpected roadblocks along your way but like a good navigator, stick pretty much to the course you have set for your life. Life shouldn't 'just happen.' It should be part of a well thought out plan that creates happiness for you. So, the next you read the words, 'what are you doing now' on your favorite social site, use them as a prompt to remember that your happiness depends on making the best possible plans for life. November 29, 2009 Happiness Key: Give thanks for your talents Remember to celebrate your own gifts and talents as the true blessings they are! November 26, 2009 Happiness Key: Success is not trying to please everyone! The key to failure is trying to please everybody." ~~~~Bill Cosby If you want to be successful you need to let go of the idea that you must please everybody else. Success is 'you happy!' November 23, 2009 Happiness Key: Create your own opportunities "Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~~~~George Bernard Shaw Use your talents to create the *you* you want to be. Don't settle for less than you deserve - make your life your priority. November 22, 2009 Happiness Key: An 'open door' is an opportunity “When the door of happiness closes, another opens. But… oftentimes we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has just been opened for us.” ~~~~Old English saying If you constantly look with longing at that which has ended, you will miss seeing the path for fresh and happy experiences. There are many doors in life; why waste time banging on one that is closed to you? Too many times we cannot “let go” of a situation or relationship. We don’t want to believe that a door has been shut in our faces and we bang on that door until our knuckles are bloody. Yet the closed door won’t open. Life is series of doors opening and closing. Some stay open for quite some time, others only allow us a brief glimpse before they close again. Either way, once a door closes, that part of your life is over and it is time to move on to another stage. November 20, 2009 Happiness Key: Enrich your life, be self-worthy The plan is simple: Whatever you do that makes your life a more 'self-worthy' place is what enriches you. What is meant by being self- worthy? It means that you value yourself enough to know that you are worthy of giving yourself the best and that you care enough about yourself to enrich your personal life through the pursuit of goals and dreams. Being self-worthy is knowing that you really do deserve happiness and the right to the best life you can have. November 18, 2009 Happiness Key: Money can buy happiness...in a way I love the saying that goes: "If you don't believe that money can buy you happiness, you don't know where to shop." Believe it or not there's more truth in that statement than you know. Money is not necessarily evil when used in the right way to help you achieve happiness. If you see money as a means to buy you intangibles rather than possessions, then you're 'knowing where to shop.' Here's what I mean. Money used to enhance your life, such as helping you to start a longed-for business or enabling you to finance a career change is money spent on happiness. You have become your own patron of the arts. It is a good thing that you are doing for yourself. You are practicing self-ness and nurturing a dream or goal. That is using money to make your life a priority. In this way, money can indeed buy the ingredients for happiness. November 13, 2009 Happiness Key: Right or wrong, make your own decisions Life is filled with everyday decisions; everything from what to wear to deciding what to eat, we make them. Those decisions are ones which are normal, practical, and most times easy. But there are decisions that you put off making simply because you're afraid of making the wrong one. Sometimes you want another person to make a choice for you about an important issue in your life. A word of advice about letting others decide what is best for you? Don't! If a decision is one that will impact your present and your future, you owe it to yourself to be the one who makes the call. Think of yourself as the CEO of your own company. Certainly you will seek advice from others around you. But...while weighing the pros and cons of that advice, know that the final decision is up to you. Put aside the fear of making the wrong decision. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Take a breath, listen to your own counsel, and make an executive decision that will benefit you. November 9, 2009 Happiness Key: To Forgive Yourself is to Embrace the Divine “Unless it can change your life, guilt is the most useless emotion we have.” ~~~~ancient Roman saying, anonymous We are amazing creatures, we humans. We hold onto guilt and wear it like Hester Prynne wore the scarlet letter in Hawthorne’s famous book. We wallow in it; we develop a relationship with it, keeping it with us night and day. Guilt becomes our constant companion stopping us from living the good and abundant life we need to live. Some people think that by feeling guilty they are showing an acceptance of responsibility, but that is far from the truth. The only good that will ever come from guilt is if it can change your life in a positive way. If you feel guilty that your behavior may have hurt someone, even inadvertently, resolve to stop the behavior. Apologize if necessary, then let go of the guilt. Holding onto it will only hold you back from living. November 8, 2009 Happiness Key: Happiness is a choice. "You choose how you respond to the things in your life. It doesn’t mean it’s easy or you feel happy every day — but you have the power to choose differently." ~~~Abby Rike,The Biggest Loser November 5, 2009 Happiness Key: Be an architect and design a blueprint for living. Create a master plan for your life. You can do this at any age by reinventing yourself and the life that you truly want. Throw away what isn't working, keep what is, and begin designing a life. November 3, 2009 Happiness Key: Live life your way - Practice 'self-ness' Sandra Bullock has the right idea about living life her way. She says her attitude is what's made her happy. The much in-demand actor - who is married to motocross enthusiast Jesse James - admits she has always put herself first and doesn't worry what anyone else thinks, even if they advise her that her actions are wrong. 'I never did anything according to what anyone else wanted. That's why I think I am happy. I do everything 100 per cent. I have to fight every single day to live my true life. I don't ever want to come home saying, 'I should have spoken my mind. I shouldn't have let someone say something that I didn't feel was right.' Be satisfied to satisfy yourself first. October 29, 2009 What exactly are Happiness Keys? Doors need to be unlocked; so does happiness. Sometimes a lock is so rusted that it takes a tremendous effort to clean away the rust so the key can turn properly. And sometimes you have the wrong key and you have to search to find the right one! Even then a door can remain closed. A locked door and a locked mind won't open even if the key is lying right next to it. You have got to use the key to open the lock! Happiness keys are simple straight-forward ideas that will help you unlock the door to your own happiness. They will clear away years of repetitive and negative mind-sets that have caused you to misplace your own happiness. Using the keys will enable you to discover goals and dreams you left locked away because you had no time for yourself. Try these keys for the parts of your life that aren't working. Unlock a door to what you truly need and want. October 30, 2009 Happiness Key: Seek and make your own happiness Too many times we don't allow ourselves to experience happiness on our own. One reason is that we are waiting for someone else to *make* us happy. If that's the case we're in for a very long wait!I have found that the above key works very well in my life. I love my family but if I depended on any one of them to provide me with happiness on a daily basis I would be disappointed. The reverse would be true if they expected me to do the same. Expecting someone, no matter how loving and good-natured, to provide you with constant happiness is placing a tremendous burden on them. Take the time to discover who you are and what you want. Make plans to be happy by pursuing a life that includes your unique talents and skills. Allow yourself to give yourself joy and to seek others who work well with your own lifestyle. Any relationship you enter should enhance what you already have. October 29, 2009 Happiness Key: You are the only one who can make your life successful. Do not spend a good part of every day obsessing over what other people have or how they live. Spend more time on thinking of ways to make your life be the way you want it to be. Make small changes and have several short-term goals. I met a woman who had one big problem in finding her key to happiness: She constantly thought about how much other people she knew had that she herself didn't. It made her life miserable. It colored her relationships, her job, her friendships. She became mired in misery. A former friend who was tired of hearing only complaints described her as "oozing depression." She needed a key to opening the door to her own talents. Jealousy is a human emotion; we've all felt it and we all have, at one time or another, obsessed about what "other people" have that we don't. That's perfectly normal; you couldn't get through life without having been bitten by the green-eyed monster at least once. But....and here's the problem, when you allow the envy to consume you, you are creating your own misery: a life that is unpleasant, unhappy and lonely. You need to change your thinking habits. I'm not going to be Ms. Sweetness and Light and tell you that by thinking "happy thoughts" you'll be like the Darling children in J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. If that were the case, the world would be filled with people flying high all the time! Realistically that's not going to happen. But... By allowing yourself to wallow in jealousy, you are giving away control of your own life. Granted there are people you know who love to brag about what they have, what they do, and how well they live. If you really thought rationally about these people, instead of allowing the envy monster to grow, you'd see that they have a real problem. They see their self-worth as nothing more than possessions and spending money. They are not living successfully because without what they brag about, they have no sense of self. And while there's nothing wrong with wanting material possessions and spending money on items that will make your life more pleasant, your self esteem shouldn't be seen solely through these things. If you can see your life in a more positive light, set solid goals to get what you want, then you're holding the key to unlock your door to happiness. The happiest people are the ones who enjoy what they have, create attainable goals, and please themselves first. |
AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!
Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First
online and in all stores where books are sold
personal appearances Kristen's bio author interviews
Read articles and stories by Kristen Houghton
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Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First
online and in all stores where books are sold
personal appearances Kristen's bio author interviews
Read articles and stories by Kristen Houghton
email me