And Then I'll Be Happy! by Kristen Houghton Now That We're Exhausted, Let's Have Sex! Are you one of those couples who puts your sex life off until everything else in your day has been accomplished and you're too tired to yawn let alone make love? You're exhausted but hey, you've got to have sex or you're not normal right? Not really. Parenting, working outside the home, not to mention all the chores and errands you have after your work day is through are an excellent recipe for exhaustion. If sex is thought of at all, it is with a weary acknowledgement that "we really should make love later." Unfortunately making love when all you want to do is fall asleep is like going to a great party with a severe head cold - you're there going through the motions and enjoying nothing. We have the idea we need to have sex often or we're not normal. We have to "keep up." This idea is perpetrated by movies, television, and those crazy surveys in magazines and online that attempt to find out how often the "normal" couples have sex. If you come out on the short end of the statistics sex scale, you feel that something is wrong with you and your partner. It's not. There is no "norm" for the number of times you should have sex in a week or month. No matter what the percentages are "supposed" to be it is vastly different for every couple. There are too many factors affecting each individual couple for there to be a norm. There are however, some key factors to maintaining a healthy, (normal for you), sex life for you and your partner. Make an appointment. Make the day and the time unbreakable but also make sure that it is convenient for both of you. Discuss it. Give yourselves a 3 hour leeway. Pick a night (or day) and set up the time. This isn't as unromantic as it sounds, it is actually a great foreplay technique. Look forward to it, daydream about it, but make sure nothing interferes with it. You'll be surprised at how this "appointment" helps. A closed door is a closed door - no excuses. Do this as often as you need to. Take a solo break before getting together. Don't go to the bedroom directly from your hectic activities. Take a breather, a bath, a ten minute nap. You're not a robot; prepare yourself for pleasure. Help each other. If you need help with the kids or with an errand, ask for it. Playing the martyr and doing everything yourself drains you and leaves you with no reserves. It makes you resentful not receptive. Let some things go. You can't do everything. Don't make a last minute business call, don't check your email, don't text your friend, set your DVR to record shows; set your priorities for this one night. Prepare for great sex. Be romantic, act like lovers, take your time. You're not in the Sexual Olympics; who are you competing against? Commit to a healthy sex life. You do need to plan to have sex. It's good for you, it is emotionally and physically satisfying. It strengthens the relationship bond. Understand that you're unique. How often you have sex has nothing to do with how much you love each other. Statistics are nothing more than numbers. Your relationship is so much more than that. Have fun and enjoy each other! *** The Holiday Affair - Cheating is More Prevalent During the Holidays The holiday season brings lots of things we don't really want or need. Stress, arguments, "un-please-able" people, and exhaustion. There is also something surprising and unexpected that comes with this season of peace on earth, good will to all; therapists call it the 'holiday affair.' Unfortunately formal holidays seem to be the time of the year when being unfaithful occurs more often. It is a vulnerable time for many couples especially if the holidays are less than warm and welcoming or their partnership is on rocky ground. They may see all the fun they're supposed to have at this time of year not happening in their own lives. The holidays can remind some of what’s missing in their lives and in their relationships. They want part of the holiday cheer too and are open to any possibilities. Men and women are creatures of emotion. If the year has been good for you, you’ re likely to feel good about the holidays. However if the year has been difficult, challenging, and unsatisfying, especially in terms of career or finances, the holiday season seems to only make it worse. All around you see happy people, glitzy commercials, and smiling faces; you feel left out and miserably unhappy. Why shouldn't you have something too? Being with an attractive co-worker or friend starts to feel the right thing to do. But a cheat is a quick fix for underlying problems. The real problems of financial strain, a possible job loss, or a feeling of total insecurity and not being in charge of your life can make you vulnerable. A 2008 study from Bowdoin University on holiday depression says that 56% of men and 42% of women will cheat on their partners during the holiday season. The study also goes on to say that once the holidays end so do the affairs. Most partners never even know their significant other has strayed. Like most ongoing longer term infidelities, the holiday affair is not simply about sex. You feel appreciated, you feel loved even if those feelings are fleeting. The attraction isn't purely physical or emotional. It is more an issue of self-esteem and self-worth. The added air of the holiday brings a temporary feeling that you're part of the festivities and part of life. You're someone. Unlike holiday movies and TV shows, real life and relationships can suffer during this time of spending and shopping frenzies. The idea that you're supposed to have fun and be surrounded by loving, joyful family, friends, and expensive gifts is a media dictated myth. But loneliness and sadness over what you are not having can lead some to make the decision to cheat. It seems that the holiday affair is becoming an unwelcome tradition. Create Your Own New Holiday Traditions A friend of mine was concerned about the upcoming holiday season. Recently married to a man with two young children, she and her husband were at a loss as what to do about traditions. “The kids have been wonderful about accepting me as part of their lives and I wanted to do something special for the holidays.” The problem is, she continued, they have no family traditions established for when they come to her house. read more... ***© 2010 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton The above articles may not be rewritten, copied, published, broadcast, or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton. |
